Sincerity - By David Hakim

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SINCERITY

 

Examining the word “sincerity” frees me to express myself more easily:

 

I fear being insincere much of the time, since I request the aid of God frequently and pleadingly to overcome obstacles in my life.  I believe it is to overcome hysteria because I am growing older and sometimes find it difficult to express joy in my life.

 

The following lines from the hymn, “Nearer, My God, to Thee,” written by Sarah Adams in 1841, comfort me:

 

                        There let the way appear, steps unto heav’n,

                        All that Thou sendest me, in mercy given;

                        Angels to beckon me nearer, my God, to Thee,

                        Nearer to Thee.

 

When I was growing up, my father thought that I was incompetent.   Sometimes when something tragic happened to a person, I would laugh and the subject of my apparent lack of sincerity would become angry.  The person wished me to sympathize with him because he was unhappy.  He was emotional, and all I was able to do was react with unwanted hilarity because I was trying to resist crying or being overly sympathetic with him.

 

At times I will mock or say scathing remarks about a person, place or thing.  I believe this also results from my childhood abuse, as an attempt to “get even.”

 

What makes the situations worse is that many times I cannot apologize when I offend anyone.  My fear of reprisal or my subliminal anger so overwhelms me that I am numb or speechless.

 

I was told, however, that at times I was vivacious.  It checks out that I was vivacious before I reincarnated. 

 

It has taken years to regain my past lightness of being.  I momentarily regained it when I was a group shepherd sometime in the seventies.  I was reminded by my mentor Bishop Sandra Adler of the Peace Community Church International that I was thorough in my preparation and joyful in my presentation as a group shepherd leading the group of which she was a member.

 

I am now more trusting of myself and my guidance.  If I express endearment of others, I need no longer fear the label of hypocrite because of any emotional reaction toward others.  I also know myself sufficiently that I am able to resist people placing me on a pedestal.

 

The seeds for greater freedom in my life have already been planted.  Even though it is still difficult for me to express myself, I have begun to cure myself of this handicap.

 

 

After partially completing this paper, I went to bed at 3:00 a.m. on Sunday, November 5, 2006.  I could not sleep.  I kept getting images on improvements to this paper.  One of them was of Christ telling me to show myself to the priests.  For me this meant that I am largely healed, that I have almost attained my goal of adequate vocal self-expression.

 

 

Writing about sincerity taught me that I need not fear the judgmental attitude of others.  I am able to generally show love, respect and true concern.

 

I have now quit yearning to be the free-speaking individual I was before this incarnation.  I am more secure in my feeling of self-worth.

 

 

                                                                        David C. Hakim

                                                                        Rochester, Michigan

                                                                        November 4-5, 2006